Day 31: ONE MONTH OLD

Day Thirty-One. This day has been amazing and busy. It was the first day of school for your siblings. It was your Daddy's birthday. It was the day of my baby shower, honoring you. AND you are exactly ONE MONTH OLD today!

Day 30: Late Night Visit

Day Thirty. I visited you a little later than normal today, things have been crazy as we have been trying to prepare to get everyone back to school. The nurses have informed me that you have continued to have DESTATS {drops in your heart rate to scary levels}. I wont lie, it completely freaks me out when this happens. Your alarms are loud, they blink a red light, and you require stimulation to get to normal levels. Okay, this would be hard for any mother to see, and I have super bad anxiety, so I often tend to worry a great deal more because of it. The nurses told me that this is normal, that this is just your body dealing with the prematurity and that you will soon out grow it. Oh, I hope that is true, because I can't handle it. They did do some labs today to make sure things were going alright inside, it all turned out great. I pray for you in my heart constantly, that you will beat the trials that possibly lie ahead for you, that you can be strong, and that you will be healthy. I love you my sweet man, and I love every minute I get to spend with you.

Day 29: Faith

Day Twenty-nine. I am a very religious person, yet down to earth, so I am not very verbal about it all. I try to live my life by example and be the best I can be, I am not perfect. I do not claim to know everything, and I know I have much room for growth and development within my religious beliefs. However, today, during our visit, I was able to take part in Sacrament Services at the hospital. The spirit in the room was so strong. I was able to reflect on Christ and the great example he is to me, he gave his life, so that I can live again. That one day I will be perfected, you my little man, will be perfected. That this trial we are going through will just be like a second in time, and that we will be able to be together, exalted and in the presences of our Savior. He set the way. I strive to live like he would have me do.

 

As I looked around the room, it was filled with doctors and nurses. Dressed in their scrubs, me in my everyday clothes, in an office with cubical walls. It didn't matter though. We bowed are heads in remembrance of the life of Christ and the sacrifice that he made for us.

 

Now this is just me, it has nothing to do with how the doctors and nurses work or their knowledge of the medical practice and medicine, but it was so neat to stand with them as we partook of the sacrament. To know that there are so many of us with the same purposes and beliefs, I was in awe. Speechless. And felt so grateful again, to my Savior, for sending me you, for your purpose here in this world, and how much you have blessed my life. And ever so thankful, for ALL the people (regardless of religion or anything else) who are caring for you and helping you, so you and I can share a lifetime together.

 

I couldn't get through this time of life without my faith, my beliefs in the blessings that have been promised to you, to me. And without the support of our Heavenly Father and Christ our Savior. Let this be an example to you, my sweet, sweet boy, "through Christ, all things are possible".

 

Day 28: Not Yourself

Day Twenty-eight. Little man, today you were not yourself. I have seen dips in your oxygen before, I have seen your heart rate fluctuate, but today, during our visit you were all over. You DESTAT-ed several times and had some Apnea spells. Plus you were crying,  have seen you cry before, but never like this, I am afraid that something is wrong. Or that you are possibly getting sick. Since you were all over the place with your stats I felt it best to put you back in the isolette and let you rest. It breaks my heart to not see you at peace. I continue prayers on your behalf, we will get through this, we will fight. I love you my sweet boy.

Day 27: Cupcakes

Day Twenty-Seven. My aunt Stephanie entered us in a contest little man, and we won. I know it was just for cupcakes, but it really made my day. And although you can't enjoy them like the rest of us, it was still nice to know that we were being thought of and looked after. It's been 27 days that you have been with us. My life has forever been changed, this is one of the biggest struggles I have ever gone through. With that said, I don't think I could continue to go through this if it wasn't for the supportive team we have behind us. Several friends, family members, neighbors, and your medical team--they keep us going. They give us the uplifting support so we are able to get you through this journey. I am grateful for the little "pick-me-ups" that are being sent my way, for the prayers and the faith on our behalf, and for you, my sweet boy. Also a big thanks to Ninja Cupcakes for taking the time to send us a sweet treat. Their mission is amazing and they are changing lives one cupcake at a time!

Day 26: Open Crib is Near?

Day Twenty-six. Today we talked to the Neonatal Nurse Practitioner. She was very reassuring in letting us know that you are doing well. She told us that she wouldn't call your "set-backs"--set backs, but that the things you've gone through are normal and you are doing well. She decided it was time for you to have a "Big-Boy Binky". Which is a normal infant binky. She explained to Daddy and I that this will help your soft palate develop in your mouth. When she gave it to you, you latched right on. These are good signs that you're ready for some practice feedings. She also told me it wouldn't be long until you were out of the isolette and into an open bed! I am really excited for that.

Day 25: Cabbage in my Bra

 

Oh my little man, Day Twenty-Five, has been an adventure. Mommy isn't feeling so hot today. I am starting to get Mastitis--OUCH! So, naturally I am trying to do everything possible to heal myself without having to take any prescriptions. Hot showers, excessive pumping, hand expressing, cold packs, and yes, cabbage in my bra. Anyway, as much as I tried, I couldn't get the big, hard, red, lump out and ended up calling in for a prescription. This put a little bit of a damper on our morning visit. I am so glad I wasn't able to come in the morning though, because I got to spend the afternoon with you. This meant I got to bath you, and weigh you. I have had this opportunity before, but today was super fun, I bathed you in a bucket. Yep, a little Rubbermaid, 3.75 gallon box. The nurse wrapped you in a blanket and filled the bucket with warm water. We placed you in the water still wrapped and then slowly scrubbed you down, un-swaddling one body part at a time. The reason they bath you this way is to keep you warm, since you are still so little. You still love having your head scrubbed with a toothbrush. You calm right down. I can't lie though, it was kind of scary holding you in that water. Since you're so tiny, fragile, and squirmy, I was scared I would drop you. It was still awesome though and I was so thankful for the chance to care for you.

 

 

Guess what, you weigh 3lbs. 4oz. now! You're one-pound larger than you were at birth. Keep growing my little man, keep growing!

 

Day 24: Signs

 

Day Twenty-Four. Sometimes I feel frustrated little man. I see you making so much progress, yet I know we have so much more to go before you're ready to come home. And I am constantly reminding myself; technically you shouldn't be here yet. Ugh, it doesn't make it any easier though. Sometimes, I will notice different things you do, when your administered your feedings. Often you turn your head to root, other times you lick your lips, and recently you've been sucking on your fingers. I often refer to you as "Pavlov's Dog"--not because I think you're an animal, but when you become a world renowned doctor, you will study this theory. Seriously though, you are trained. You know when you are getting food! The problem is--you aren't quite big enough yet and not everyone has seen these signs. The NNP's and the nurses are saying about 34 weeks gestation is the goal. So until then, I will be patient.

Day 23: The Oxygen from the Wall

Day Twenty-Three. When I came in to visit you today you had been taken off your vapotherm and put on the oxygen from the wall. The vapotherm is a hydrated oxygen flow and it is a little bit better for babies. You are often up and down on it little man, but because it has been so low, you have started to get a rush of water into your nose. You don't like it and it honestly sounds like someone just sprayed you. I am excited to see how you will do with the oxygen from the wall!

Day 22: Finally!

Day Twenty-Two. Being a college student and being a mommy is definitely a challenging task, but I have never had as difficult of a time as I had these past few weeks. Every time I went to work on my assignments I couldn't help but turn on your webcam. You're just so sweet and precious, and well, homework isn't so sweet and precious. However, today I was finally able to finish my summer class. I feel relieved. The night you were born, I had to take a test, on my morphine drip. It didn't turn out so well. My professor encouraged me to finish the semester though since it was almost over.

 Luckily, with the help of extra credit and lots of support from family and friends, I was able to get through the class and finish. I even got an A+. I am so looking forward to focusing on you little man, getting you healthy and strong, and getting you home. And I am so glad to finally have a break and be done with school for a few months.

Day 21: Your "Ticket Out"

 

Day Twenty-One. I love the neonatologists that care for you at the hospital. Each one of them have been so understanding and so patient with us as we learn and endure through this. I know you are in great hands, especially since I can't care for you, as I would if this was a normal situation. Today

"Dr. C" really took the time to talk to me. We discussed your care situation and your stats in great detail. He once again told me what an "All-Star" you have been. They have decided to increase your feedings and calories again. This is where one of our set backs happened last time, so he assured me they were going to keep a close eye on your tummy. You have been gaining weight well and "Dr. C" told me weight gain is your ticket out. I was so excited to hear this--because of course I want you healthy, but I want you home too. I know this isn't completely the case, because we haven't even started trying to feed yet, but it's nice to know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Day 20: Hiccups

 

Day Twenty. Sometimes when I get to hold you, little man, you have a tendency to get the hiccups. We have to be really careful about it and the amount of hiccups you are having, because they're a sign of stress when you are out of your isolette. Even though I think baby hiccups are one of the cutest sounds in the world, Mommy has to remember that our situation isn't a normal one. Sometimes, that is an easier said than done statement. Today during our visit, we started out strong. You were doing really well and your vitals were great, but then, the hiccups came. After several minutes of hiccups--the nurse and I decided that it was best to put you back in and let you rest. It can be agonizing to me, because I just want to love on you all day. However, I know that you need strength to be able to come home, so I am learning to be patient about this situation.

Day 19: Grammie's Turn

Day Nineteen. Since you're just growing away in your little isolette we have been cautioned about not over stimulating you. This includes the amount of time we hold you and who gets to hold you. It's been frustrating, because when you have a baby, you naturally want to "show off". With you in the NICU this has been a whole different experience. Our showing you off generally consists off the WEB CAM. Grammie has been antsy to hold you, as have many others. Today she happened to be at the hospital and was whining about not having had a turn, as she has done on several of her visits. So Daddy decided he would ask the nurse if it was okay if she held you today. The nurse said it was ultimately our decision on who gets to hold, but again cautioned your over-stimulation. Your Daddy gave up his turn of holding you to let Grammie have a turn. You kind of yelled at her, like you did with Daddy the first time. I think you know when it isn't me--and you just get mad. At least that's what I tell myself, hehehe. Nevertheless, it was fun to have a "show-you-off...hold-my-baby" moment. It made things, in your little life, feel a little normal for once.  Plus, I think Grammie enjoyed it.

Day 18: Guilt & lots of POOP!

Day Eighteen. Today Mommy is feeling so guilty. And I am confessing myself here, not that you'll care in 15 years, but I had to get it out. I didn't come and see you until four o'clock today, ugh, I am the worst mom. :( I have come late before, but not for this reasoning. So, here it goes, I took your siblings to the fair. It was my first outing since you were born, and it's a yearly tradition to go to the fair on Kids Day at our house. I couldn't tell them no, so I took them. The entire time we were there I couldn't help but think about how much I wished you could be there with us. It just feels like part of us is missing. And I'd see cute moms with their strollers, bags, and busy hands, things I have gotten so used to not having to worry about, and I just felt so sad that you weren't there. Your siblings had a great time and don't get me wrong, I loved being there with them, but I was so excited to get to the hospital for our snuggling time. I confessed my guilt to your nurse and she was so sweet and assured me, you were just fine. I realized today that this will never be easy and it is definitely not an ideal situation. BUT I would rather have you with me on earth and in the hospital getting stronger and bigger, than not have you at all. And don't worry, you got me back, little man. You pooped THREE times while I was with you. I didn't know a two-pounder could produce so much poopy! Seriously, I changed you when I arrived. Not 2 minutes later you had pooped. So I went to change you again, and then you literally began pooping on me while I changed you. I gave you the "5 minutes" to finish, went to change you for the second time, and you seriously started pooping again. I was like WOAH baby boy, so I waited a few more minutes and then we successfully changed you. After about 40 minutes of holding you, EXPLOSION in your diaper! You seriously pooped again. I would of continued to hold you and snuggle, but you made it clear to Mommy that you wanted a clean bum. So, you made your point and paid me back dude! On a positive note, you have finally moved out of the "micro-preemie" diapers and into "regular preemie" diapers, too. Which means you, my little man, are growing!

 

 

(Micro-preemie diaper. The size of a hand)

 

Day 17: Pumping Woes (from Mommy's POV)

Day Seventeen. Pumping! Ugh, the very sound of the word makes me cringe! I have never been a successful pumper, BUT there are some benefits to pumping and having a baby in the NICU.

First of all, I am COMPLETELY sold on the belief that "the more expensive the pump, the better the experience". I don't know if it's the situation or the fact that we are able to use hospital grade pumps, but I'm actually getting milk out. This doesn't change the fact that I really don't care for it, often times I feel like I am plugged into a machine. I hate that. I like the natural flow and bonding of breastfeeding, unfortunately, the circumstances don't leave me much choice right now. And don't even get me started on raw nipples. Anyway, I felt extremely confident in the pumping department the first week and I was all...'I got this!' Now it's becoming stressful. I feel like if I am not on that machine every three hours as suggested, I am awful. Okay people, my newborn is in the hospital, I can't wake myself in the middle of the night to give milk to a machine! So despite the counsel from lactation, I am sleeping. I go to bed really late, and pump until I'm dry, then I get up early and pump until I am dry. It's like lather. rinse. repeat. That's what pumping reminds me of...seriously. Plus, these words have most definitely come out of my mouth lately, "Please stop crying--your making milk leak from my boobies, honey."--I'm sure my daughter will need therapy for years. (Please don't judge--this is a trying and discouraging time--I'm under lots of stress!!)

Today however, gave me back a little confidence. The lactation specialists in the NICU test milk for calories. Didn't know that? You do now. Also, you breastfeeding moms may not know this next part either, cause I never did and I've nursed every single one of them. You have two kinds of milk, yep two. Foremilk and Hindmilk. Your foremilk should have around 22 calories in it, it is also the first milk that is thinner when you are breastfeeding or pumping. Then your hindmilk comes in next, the creamy stuff, and it should have around 36 calories, I believe. (Disclaimer--I could be off on the numbers just a hair, I get told so many things in the NICU, sometimes it's hard to remember!) Okay, so back to my story. I just had both my foremilk and hindmilk tested. Well apparently I have the creamiest milk in the NICU, because not only did it separate as she spun it in the tester thingy, but I scored 32 on my foremilk and 42 on my hindmilk. My lactation specialist told me I deserve a prize--I didn't get anything though. And my husband, he told me "Your like the prime cow on the dairy farm, dear."--jerk!

...can I get a uhuhuh, I make milk...jingle going on here...

 

(yes, that's my liquid gold--all of it! Except what is in the NICU)

 

Alright in all seriousness though, what's worked for you? I still feel like a "lactating-plugged into a machine-crazy mother thing" going on. Any tips or advice? Because as much as I hate it, I know this is best for him and I need to keep going.

You can read all about foremilk and hindemilk here!

Day 16: This Won't Stop Us!

Day Sixteen. While you are still sleeping and growing at the hospital, we are anxiously awaiting your arrival...to come home. And although you should still be in tummy, the sad truth is your not. It's kind of been challenging around here and exciting. It's like your here--yay--but your not really here, here (meaning home here). So to get us out of our "funk" we decided to do a family project and work on your room a little bit today. The boys had lots of fun painting some items I had purchased, before all of this, and they went to work helping me prepare your room. Daddy finally put up your crib, and he hung the blinds. And your sissy's are excellent cleaners, and have wiped down all the dirties and dusties with clorox wipes. I know we have a long time before you get to come home, but it makes the long days more bearable when we can do something to celebrate you!

 

 

Day 15: Moving Up

On Day Fifteen, Daddy was called from the NICU, much less heart stopping for me. They decided that you were doing well enough and you were strong enough that you could move up to the next room in the NICU. There are four rooms total and I am not sure how each room is set up, but the first room is for the newest babies and the babies that have the most critical cases. So, again little man, we are so blessed. They wouldn't have moved you if they thought things were super bad. It gave Mommy lots of peace, especially because of your set back. Today they also started feedings again and gave you a suppository to help that tummy get moving. I know we have been so blessed. This journey will be a long one, but I think, and I hope, that in the end we will look back on this and be grateful for it. We will come out stronger and better. I can't wait to see you grow. Imagining you and  your future helps me to get through these longs days.

Day 14: Two Weeks Old and Horns

Day Fourteen. How has this gone by so fast? Today little man you are two weeks old! I can't even believe it. Things are about the same for you today, especially with yesterday's setback. I just love holding you in my arms and getting to see your cute little self.  Since you have two IVs in your head, the nurses and I were joking that it looks like you have horns. Little man, it really does. I feel so bad that you have to have all that crap on you sometimes. Even though the picture doesn't show it so well, you have one on the top right side and another on the top left side. Hopefully they'll be out soon.

 

I love coming to see you at CARE times. It happens every three hours for you little guy. This is the time you receive your feedings, have your diaper changed, your girth is measured (your tummy), and in the afternoons you are weighed and bathed if necessary. This is also the best time for you to come out of the box, if you haven't already come out. So, naturally, I love to be there. When you have your feedings you get extra calories and protein added to it to help you grow big and strong. Formula has these additives already, but because your so little, breast milk is best for you. And preemie babies tolerate breast milk with the additives easier than formula. The neonatologists explained to me that breast milk is just so much easier on your tummy and you will do better in the long run. I am so grateful that they support breast feeding and want what is absolutely best for you!

Day 13: A Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

 

Day Thirteen. Okay, little man, this day was terrible for me. I have been warned...and told...and cautioned... that little set backs are going to happen. BUT I didn't believe it, okay maybe more like I didn't want to believe it. Ugh! On my way to our morning CARES visit, which I don't think I have explained yet--I will do that in the next post, I got a call from your nurse. Again, IT IS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD TO BE CALLED FROM NICU. I think my heart stops every time I see it's them. She told me that you had a very bad night, you weren't tolerating your feedings, and your belly was super hard. They decided to stop feedings for now, but because of this, you had to have IVs put back in. Yep, not one, but two! One to collect labs and one to pump you full of nutrients so you don't get dehydrated. I asked her if we would be able to do Skin to Skin, and she didn't recommend it, because you weren't tolerating them changing your diaper. When I hung up the phone--I just drove. I was so distraught! I called Daddy sobbing, because this was just so hard for me. We decided that from now on the nurses would call Daddy first and then Daddy can call me. I don't know how long that will last, but it really stresses me out. I will get through this, I will. Anyway, the doctors ended up doing x-rays on your belly. You're little bowels were all full of air. They said this is common in preemies, but because of the situation they have to be very cautious. If you have bowel problems, this can cause leakage and infection into the other parts of your body and cause serious issues. However, this could be just as simple as an intolerance to some of the additives to your milk. (Which I will explain further in a future post as well) It so hard sometimes in the medical world when you have to wait for things to be ruled out and for our bodies to just naturally heal, and Mommy isn't a super patient woman, but you'll learn that as you get older. After talking with Daddy we decided that I would let you rest for the morning and go check on you for afternoon cares. You were the fussiest I have ever seen you, you were throwing a tantrum and turning yourself all around. I was so sad for you handsome boy. The nurse that evening let me bath you (with a sponge) and you instantly calmed down. I would love to think it's because you knew I was there, but whatever the reason, you seemed a little more peaceful. The nurse let me hold you swaddled up and you just looked into my eyes, it was a beautiful moment we shared. I was so glad to share it with you. Later that evening, after I left, I was checking the webcam to see how you were doing. There was a little message for me on there that you were sucking on your pacifier and doing a little better. Again, so thankful for technology.

Day 12: Story Time

Day Twelve. One of my favorite things to do with you is skin to skin. Its about the only bonding time we get through out the day, but it's also extremely important for you. During skin to skin you are able to maintain your body temperature, your oxygen levels tend to stay more consistent, and your heart rate is steady. I love it for you, for all of those reasons, but also because it's probably the only time you get to hear the heartbeat that you're familiarized with. Not to mention, you technically should be hearing it still from within my womb. Since I am your mom, but also a teacher, I love this time because it's our special "story time".  I download a couple new, usually free since I am also a cheapskate, books for us to read each week. Then while we are snuggled up, I spend my time reading to you. You love Baa Baa Black Sheep, and my theory behind this is because this is the only nursery rhyme your sister can recall...and the nursery rhyme you have heard within my tummy for the past 20 weeks. She also sang to you Castle on a Cloud, from Les Miserable, but we will save that book until you are older. ;)